Broken
by TF4EVA
Summary: I feel guilty about everything. Why did I fall for him? I have to fix this. He hates me. But I need to make us be friends again...before it's too late.
1. Chapter 1

Summer comes and winter fades,

Here we are just the same,

Don't need pressure, don't need change,  
Let's not give the game away  
There used to be an empty space,  
A photograph without a face,  
But with your presence and your grace,  
Everything falls into place

Just please don't say you love me,  
Cause I might not say it back,  
Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping  
When you look at me like that  
There's no need to worry when  
You see just where we're at  
Just please don't say you love me  
Cause I might not say it back

Heavy words are hard to take,  
Under pressure precious things can break,  
And how we feel is hard to fake,  
So let's not give the game away

Just please don't say you love me,  
Cause I might not say it back,  
Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping  
When you look at me like that  
There's no need to worry when_  
[. From: .net .]_  
You see just where we're at  
Just please don't say you love me  
Cause I might not say it back

Fools rush in  
And I've been fooled before,  
This time I'm gonna slow it down,  
Cause I think this could be more,  
The thing I'm looking for

Just please don't say you love me,  
Cause I might not say it back,  
Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping  
When you look at me like that  
There's no need to worry when  
You see just where we're at.  
Just please don't say you love me  
Cause I might not say it back

Please don't say you love me,  
Cause I might not say it back,  
Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping  
When you look at me like that  
There's no need to worry when  
You see just where we're at  
Just please don't say you love me  
Cause I might not say it back  
Just please don't say you love me  
Cause I might not say it back  
Lyrics from a href=" .net" /a

By Gabrielle Aplin.

He's under my skin. No one words have ever got to me like that. All those words.

"You do know that I love you right?" Those words played over and over again in my head. They had for a long time now. He said that long ago but still it felt like thousands of knifed stabbing me. I can't sleep.

This morning. Why did he have to come? Charlie knows now. So does Zoe. It's all a mess. He hates me. Why can I never do the right thing? I aborted a baby and said I didn't love him...but all for a reason. He's married with a family. It was the right thing to do. He'll realise that soon. Everything I did was for him. I gave up the baby because he's married. I refused to admit I love him because it wouldn't be fair. He's married. I wish he would just forget about me. Or maybe I should just forget about him? I can't sleep.

I haven't cried like that in years. But I can't help but feel this way. I fell for Fletch. I shouldn't have but I did and its made a huge mess. I wish I'd never met him! Is that really what I wish? He'd never come to work at Holby? He made me feel feelings I thought I'd never experience again. Love, jealousy, passion. He made me smile and laugh. We'll probably never laugh together again. Those moments are just memories. Stitched into my brain. I can't forget. Even if I try. He's there forever. A permanent scar. Blood everywhere. Spreading. Eating me inside, making me feel guilty, sad, weak and anger. I'm angry at myself for getting involved with Fletch. If we hadn't fallen for each other we would still be happy. Friends, talking and not depressed.

How long is it until Fletch realises that I was right. I was right? Wasn't I? He doesn't want another baby. Do I? Maybe...but I would feel guilty. He has a family and what would everyone else think. I can't sleep!

First thing tomorrow morning I will talk to Fletch. But tomorrow seems so far away. If only I could sleep. I feel so weak and sick. I'm hungry but can't eat. Can't bear to stare at the empty fridge. My head hurts. My brains thumping inside my head. I need to sleep. Please let me sleep. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Don't live in the past. The present is what matters. Here and now. What's done is done.

Now I just need to fix the future.


	2. Chapter 2

I stare down at my coffee. I feel the heat scorching my hands holding the mug. I'm so tired. I barely slept last night. Fletch is on this shift and I'm not ready to face him.

"That coffee gonna get cold if you don't drink it." Fletch said.

He was standing at the door looking right at me. How long has he been there?

I nod before looking back down at my coffee. I wish he would just go away. I know he's watching me still. It makes me feel uneasy. I don't look up and finally hear him shuffle towards his locker then a few minutes later I hear the door shut.

I sigh looking at the door. Alone again. I'm not hungry. I should be, haven't been eating properly that's what caused my collapse yesterday. I take a sip of the coffee. Fletch was right. The coffee has gone cold.

Quickly I throw the rest down the sink and leave the staff room...

It was a stressful morning. No time to stop and chat which was good because I didn't want to talk to anyone. Patients stressing me out with there own issues but it did take my brain away from all the issues. But one question kept playing in my head over and over again. Will Fletch and me ever be friends again? All those good times that we shared. I want it to go back to the way it was before. Put everything behind us but sadly I know that it's not going to happen. He won't just forget. We will never just be friends and we both know that deep down we still have feelings for each other. I have made a vow to destroy all those feelings. All the love, compassion and crush it all until I feel nothing for him. The best thing to do. For both of us. Everything I do is for the best. Why can no one realise that?

I look up at the clock on my way into the elevator with my patient. It's almost lunch. But I probably won't have time to fit it in. Too busy with patients.

I wheel the patient into surfer where there are a group of surgeons waiting. I quickly leave so they can begin their job.

To my horror when I step back in the lift there is only 1 person there. Fletch. Only three floor. I tell myself. I take a deep breath before stepping inside. I don't look at him. The lift is silent. Neither of us speaks not sure what to say. I face the doors and resist the urge to turn around and look at him.

Suddenly the lift stops. I think nothing of it and we both stand waiting for something to happen.

We wait for what feels like an age and finally I turn round to look at him. I envy his happiness a family all living together, health and happy.

"I'll call Zoe." I whisper. Why did I whisper? I guess I just didn't want to disturb the silence.

I pick up my phone and try phoning her. "Hi Zoe. Phone me back when you get a chance. I think the lifts broken down and Fletch and I are inside so if you could phone someone to fix it soon that would be great." I put the phone back in my phone and look up to see Fletch looking right at me. Making me feel uncomfortable.

Slowly the world starts to go blurry and Fletch starts to move. As I fall to the floor I hear Fletch calling my name. Then it all goes black.


	3. Chapter 3

It's dark. Am I dead? I feel like I'm falling down and down.

"Tess!" I hear Fletch say, his voice sounds far away.

"Open your eyes!" He shouts, panic in his voice.

I can hear my heart beat. It comforts me. I know I'm still alive. Now I just need to open my eyes. See the light of day. Just open your eyes. Slowly a light comes towards me or am I going towards it?

I squint in the light before sitting up. My head aches. I touch my temple. The coldness of my hand soothing the pain. I look over my shoulder to see Fletch staring at me from the corner of the room.

"I was scared." He said.

I nod. Why does that keep happening to me? It's probably because I'm not eating properly. I should eat more but I just don't care anymore. I'm so alone. That's why I liked being in Fletch's company he made me feel like I mattered. Now I feel invisible or maybe I just wish I was invisible.

"You need to eat." Fletch says.

I shrug. "I do eat."

He sighs.

The lift is silent once more.

"We used to get on so well. Share jokes. Be happy. I miss that." He says.

Those words hurt me like knives. "I miss it too." I whisper.

"I think we should try and get along for everyone's sake." He says coldly.

I look away not wanting to see the tears forming in my eyes. "Or we could actually try to be friends."

"Well if that's what you want." He replied.

Silence.

"Do you hate me?" I asked letting the words slip of my tough but regretting them after.I slowly turn to look at him. We both sit staring at each other waiting.

"No. I could never hate you...my feelings still haven't changed."

I slowly nod, not knowing how to reply. "I'm sorry." I say simply.

"It hurts Tess."

Then it hit me. Why was he so sad about me getting rid of a baby? He had a family he wouldn't want to leave them for me.

"You should have told me."

"No." I reply. "You've got a family already. Would you want to leave them?"

He looked down at the ground. "I would've for you."

I'm shocked that wasn't the answer I was hoping for. "I'm sorry." I reply.

"So am I."

I smile slightly feeling a bit better. Why is life so complicated? I wish I'd never met Fletch. It's a horrible wish but the truth is I've never felt worse. When I was with him it was the happiest time of my life. But now I've I feel awful and mean and selfish and the worse part is...I had a choice. I could've said no to Fletch. This empty hole in my stomach wouldn't be there. But it is and I have to learn to live with it.


	4. Chapter 4

"Why didn't you tell me Tess?"

I was actually relieved he'd finally spoke We'd been sitting silently for ages. I'm glad he'd killed the silence no matter how hard the question was to answer.

"I tried." I said.

He nodded like he understood. "Not hard enough." He said.

That hurt a lot I'd tried I just couldn't. "Adrian. I was going to tell you but we kept being interrupted."

He looked up at me. "I'm sorry for snapping." He said. "It's just I would have wanted a baby with you."

I frown. "Why?"

He laughed like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Because I love you." He said.

I can't help but blush which makes him smile. "What?" I say in a more friendly tone.

He looks down at his hands. "I love it when you blush, it's cute." He said.

I laugh. "Cute?" It's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard but also the sweetest.

He shrugs. "You're gorgeous." He blurts out before heknows what he's saying.

I shift uncomfortably knowing that there's no where to go and I have to say something or let the silence creep in again.

"How much longer?" I ask.

"Don't you like spending time with me?" He said dryly. "Next you'll be saying you don't love me. Oh wait. You already did breaking my heart into tiny pieces."

"Nobody's perfect." I reply.

"We're ok aren't we."

That brought back the memory of the first time he asked me that, before this mess we've created. The day we kissed properly for the first time. We would still be friends if we hadn't gone out for drinks. I wish we were still friends.

"Tess?" Fletch says snapping me back to where I am.

"Yes?" I say.

He sighs smiling before coming to sit next to me. I don't move. Where would I go? We're in an lift.

He slowly places his arms around me. Hugging me. Making me realise how much I miss him. I hug him tightly hoping this will never end. Tears start running down my cheeks and he pulls away to look at my face. He smiles sadly brushing the tear away. His hand stroked my cheek and slowly he moved towards me. I don't want to back away but it seems wrong. I don't know what to do I'm frozen to the spot too scared to move. Scared I'll lose him forever. I love him and he loves me but what about his family? We can't go through this again. But it's too late I can't turn back time. I might as well except it. No matter the price I have to pay later. So I kiss him. Living in the moment. I wrap my arms around his neck realising how much I need him in my life. My love is everlasting and I can't hide it.


	5. Chapter 5

This is wrong but it feels so right. I love him but I'm to scared to admit it. We sit in an awkward silence beside each other waiting for something to happen. He knows now that I still have feelings for him and I know I'm a coward not to admit them but it's not easy. I've gone over the scenario many times in my head but I always turn it into thoughts about hatred and heartbreak. He can't get on with his life unless we're over so why did I kiss him? I don't want to make him unhappy with his wife or not want a baby because I'm jealous. Yes I'm jealous, of his family and the happy life he has whereas I'm alone. There's no one there to keep me safe. I'm scared so I try and keep myself busy but lately I can't. Everything makes me think of him so I hide in my bed covers all day and cry. It was a brave decision to come back to work today and my day is not going well at all.

"This is the end of the road." I whisper.

Fletch frowns. "What do you mean?"

I sigh. "I want you to be happy Fletch enjoy your children every second is precious because before you know it they'll be gone." I smile sadly and put my hand on his. "This baby is precious. Enjoy every minute of it's life. The first word. Walking-" I stopped not knowing what else to say.

"But..." Fletch stopped and looked over at me tears vivid in his eyes. "What's the point if there's no love between me and Natalie?"

"Your kids." I say simply.

He nods slowly.

"My husband and I. Well...we weren't happy for years and just when I needed him most he divorced me. It was horrible I had to deal with everything going on alone and on top of that I had to deal with sadness. Is that how you want your wife to feel." I said trying to make him choose the right way.

It's strange. I've never seen Fletch cry before but hear he is leaning on my shoulder in floods of tears. I feel responsible. I caused those tears to fall. Didn't I? I awkwardly pat his head as if to say it's ok, don't cry I'm here. But it turns out more like the way you would pat your dog when you wished it would go away.

"Don't worry." I blurt out. "I'm here. I'll help you through." I say in a more comforting tone. I look over at him and the state of him makes me want to cry. His eyes are all bloched and he's resting his head on my elbow and looking straight forward into the distance as if he can see something that I can't.

"Thank you." He croaks before hugging me tightly. "It means a lot." He added.

Suddenly the elevator started moving and Fletch looked up at me we both smiled at each other knowing we would get out. The only thing I thought about as we stood up was would anyone notice that Fletch had been crying?


	6. Chapter 6

I sat at my table staring down at my food. I'm not hungry. My mind I'd too occupied with other thoughts more specifically Fletch. I need him desperately and it may seem selfish to say but I wish he was mine. Not Natalie's. I wonder where he is right now? Is he thinking about me too? Does he want to be here with me right now too? I wish he was here sitting beside me talking. Sound filling the room instead of this awful silence.

There was a knock at the door making me jump. I stood up quickly and walked to the door hoping it was Fletch. I opened the door to him. He smiled slightly probably glad I wasn't blocking him out. We stood staring at each other for a few minutes waiting for one of us to say something.

"Can I come in?" Fletch asked.

I nodded slightly and opened the door for him to enter. I quickly shut the door so the cold would stay out.

I turn round and led him to the kitchen.

"Sorry." I said taking my now cold dinner away.

Fletch watched me as I sat down. It made me feel uncomfortable like he knew how I felt right now.

I smiled at him not wanting him to ever leave. I needed company.

"So...Why are you here?" I asked.

He moved closer to me placing his cold hands over mine. "Today..." He began began his voice trailed off not knowing how to finish.

I nod looking down at his hands.

"All I want to know is one thing Tess. Do you ever think about me?"

I look up at him meeting his beautiful brown eyes. "Yes..."

"I want to be happy and I can't be without you. I haven't sleeps in weeks because all I do is stay up clutching my phone wondering what you are doing at that very second. Never hitting the call button just sitting, the light shining onto my face brightening my kitchen while my family sleeps peacefully upstairs." Fletch said.

He had tears vivid in his eyes and all I wanted to do was help him get better but I sat listening to him. I want to say something back. Anything to help ease both our pain. I never realised he was suffering as much as I was.

"After all these nights I finally realise..." He sighs.

"I love you." I blurt out. But I don't feel guilty for saying it. I feel good. I might be ruining his marriage but I don't want to think about that now. I just want to live in the present and love every second of this.

I feel his lips press against mine and I close my eyes tears rolling down my cheeks. This is what I need. If only one night, I want him to be with me. If after this we're over then I don't care we have now and that's all that matters.

I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer. I love him and I would do anything for him.


	7. Chapter 7

I rolled over to see Fletch lying beside me. Still there. Not gone. Lying beside me. I wish every morning could be like this. I want to roll over and see him because I love him. The only problem is that I don't want to break up his family. But I would do anything to be with him. I wonder what's he's dreaming of...

I watch him for a bit before heading off to have a shower before he wakes up. The heat burns my skin. It's hot and the steam rises. A wide grin slowly forms on my face as I realise that this is the first time that Fletch has stayed all night. But a question crosses my mind as I dry myself. What happens now?

I walk back into my room to see an empty bed. For a second I think he's left but then I hear the toaster pop and let out a sigh of relief. I've been acting differently lately. Not how I used to be. I'm not so up tight. I think it's Fletch who's changed me. He's shown me the light. He's given me something that's worth living for and even if he stays with his wife and kids, I pray this won't end. Not again. After everything that's happened.

"Tess?" I hear Fletch call.

"Coming!" I shout down the stairs as I pull on a top.

He's sitting downstairs at the kitchen table. He smiles and gestures to a piece of toast smothered messily with jam. I smile and look at the food realising I am actually hungry for the first time in a long while. I scoff it down not caring what Fletch thinks of my horrible eating. I'm just so hungry. The taste it a sensation in my mouth playing every taste bud.

"It's good to see you're eating again."

Suddenly for no reason I start to cry. Tears rush down my face. But they're not tears of saddened they're tears of joy. I've not been this happy in a long time and some days I'm scared for years I imagined that I was back on that metal pole. But Fletch helped me by holding me close our first night together. It was as if he said. You're safe with me and I haven't had that dream since. I don't scream out anymore. I have him here, wiping the tears of my face his genuinely worried look surprising me.

"I'm sorry." I say. "It's just...everything. I've not been this happy in a long time and I know I shouldn't say that sort of stuff because you're married but it's true."

Fletch smiled and pulls me into a hug. It's amazing that after everything that's happened he's still standing by me. Not leaving and really caring. I wish I'd kept the baby. But at the same time I'm glad I got rid of it. The pregnancy would've putted unwanted pressure on him. We weren't prepared but we are now...


	8. Chapter 8

I looked up and smiled at Charlie as he entered our office.

He frowned. "You're in a good mood today." He said.

I nodded but wasn't going to give anything away.

A smile crept onto his face. "Meet someone?" He asked.

"Maybe." I replied before leaving the office.

As I turned a corner I banged into a doctor that I didn't recognise. "Sorry." I said bending down beside him, scrambling to pick up the paper.

"No it's fine." He said as we stood up.

This time I got a proper look at him. He was quite handsome with brown hair and he looked around 50.

"I'm Arthur Davidson." He said politely sticking his hand out for me to shake.

I smiled warmly. "Tess Bateman." I replied.

I shook his hand. At that moment I saw Fletch.

"Sorry I have to talk to Fletch." I told the man and quickly walked towards him.

He turned round to look at me and smiled. "I need to talk to you." He said quietly taking her arm and leading her to the staff room.

Once inside he turned around to face me.

"About last night. Do you love me?" Fletch asked. I'd never seen anyone so panicked over nothing. It was a silly question to ask. He should already know the answer. Isn't it obvious. I know I love him and I don't think I'll ever stop.

"Please. I just need to know because you mean everything to me and I..."

"Fletch!" I shouted and took his hands smiling. "I love you." I replied.

He breathed a loud sigh of relief which made me laugh.

"What?" He asked.

"Nothing it's just...Is it not obvious that I love you?" I asked.

Fletch shrugged. "You do deny them every time."

"That's to protect you." I blurted out.

He looked through the window to make sure there was no one watching before kissing me quickly.

"Anyway. Better get back to work. I don't want to make the boss angry." He said moving towards the door but a smile still spread across his face.

"Bye." I replied still on cloud nine after everything that was happening. Nothing could possibly bring me down.

I sat down on the couch and sighed thinking about Fletch. I should be out there right now not sitting here acting like a teenager. He made me feel so special. I hope this feeling stays.

I stood up as the door opened revealing Arthur. He smiled at me.

"Hello." He said formerly.

"Hello." I replied awkwardly and quickly left the staff room.

As I walked past Zoe' s office I stopped dead and looked at her. Watching her and feeling sorry for her when I'm this happy. She looked up and stopped me gesturing me in.

I smiled and opened the door. "Just passing." I said simply.

"How are you?" She asked concerned as normal.

"Better." I replied not wanting to give the fact that Fletch and I were back together. She probably wouldn't approve I mean it is an affair but we do love each other really.

She smiled and we both stayed silent for a few minutes not sure what to say.

"Anyway how are you?" I finally asked breaking the long silence.

She sighed. "A lot of paper work."

I laughed opening the door. "Enjoy." I said before leaving her to continue.

As I walked towards cubicles Robyn quickly walked towards me. "Tess you're needed in reuses." She said and I quickly followed her.

Little did I know that I would be faced with something that could tear me and Fletch apart forever.


	9. Chapter 9

"Tess!" Zoe shouted.

I stood staring at the little boy on the bed. He'd been hit by a car. Mickey Fletcher. I couldn't move to help the boy, scared that if he died because of me Fletch would hate me. Is this selfish? I should be helping the boy instead of standing here staring at him. It's all too much and my head is spinning.

"Tess!" Zoe repeated.

I looked up at her but the world was spinning. I tried to focus on an object but couldn't. I needed to get out and quickly ran out the door. I had a sick feeling in my stomach and decided the best thing to do would be too go to the bathroom. I'm glad I did. I shut myself in a cubicle and moments later I threw up.

After a few minutes I exited the cubicle and looked at my worn face in the mirror. "I'm fine." I attempted to convince myself. But I knew that I wasn't. There was something wrong maybe I'm premenopausal or...No! I slammed my hand against the mirror and a few moments late I heard a toilet flush and Rita exit a cubicle. She walked over to me. "Are you ok?" She asked.

I sighed knowing she heard what I said. "Fine." I said before quickly leaving the bathroom to avoid any other questions.

I walked back into reuses to see Zoe doing resuscitation on Mikey while Fletch stood watching helplessly. It was like a thousand knives stabbing into me. I could feel his pain. After taking a deep breath I walked over. "Zoe let me try." I asked.

She stepped back and looked at me. "Are you sure you can do this?" She asked concerned.

I nodded before beginning heart massage. I could feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I had to save this boy for Fletch I couldn't give up ever. As I kept going tears began to form in my eyes and I lowered my head so no one could see. The tears dropped onto Mikey and I watched as they fell. Every drop was a prayer for him. He was going to make it and I wouldn't stop until he did...

"Tess. It's been an hour can we call it?" Zoe asked.

"No." I whimpered. "I'll never forgive myself if he dies. Fletch has already lost one child this year." I whispered so only Fletch could here.

"Tess I'm calling it!" Zoe said impatiently.

"No! I can't!" I replied desperately.

Fletch took my hands and I looked up to see his blood shot eyes. I couldn't stop now.

"Stop." He said and I burst into tears seeing Fletch's pain.

"I could've saved him!" I shouted. Tears flowed down my cheeks and I slammed my hand down on the bed before kneeling down beside Mikey. "I should've saved you." I whispered I hoped he heard that so he would know that I tried. I keeled beside him for hours not moving just wishing he hadn't been hurt. I wished that car hadn't been there. Fletch doesn't deserve all this pain. He's lost so much this year and I pray for miracle. Anything to help him feel better. Deep down I know I cannot be with him because I make everything worse. I should end it again. But I promised myself I wouldn't let him go but that was before this. Now I realise that I should just leave them to be a family. His son coming in has showed me how innocent and young his kids are. It's the right thing to do but I'm so desperate to be with him.


End file.
